As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
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Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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