yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
