Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
