Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
