Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
