Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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