just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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