Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
