i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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