I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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