Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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