I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am available for nakedness
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
