He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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