Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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