You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
