If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
