farters have to be the big spoon...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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