went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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