you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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