I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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