Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Your dad touched me again.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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