dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
