there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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