Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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