We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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