just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
