I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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