either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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