I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
