Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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