So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
