this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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