just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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