Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
