I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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