Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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