My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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