it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
