You took a bar mat shot.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
