Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
