She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
