So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
