Plan B is the new Plan A
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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