Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
