your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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