I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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