I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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