Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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