If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't deserve a penis
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.