I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I supernannyed him into submission