so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize