meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
