Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
