I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
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Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
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I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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