grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
